#we can't all be neurotypical karen

[brightlotusmoon]

Words from my friend Neon Bog Cryptid today:

"Hey.

That autistic person probably doesn't understand that they're talking over you. In fact, from their perception, everybody talks over them. And you're both right.

We're not trying to monopolize the conversation. We're actually trying to keep up with everyone else, even though it sounds like we're trying to take over.

Because we don't understand conversation pacing. And *we never will*. We. Never. Will. Autism is a permanent developmental disability that, among many things, results in permanent socializing differences. It never goes away. We never become "less" autistic. We often learn to compensate in ways that are less likely to result in us losing our much needed support system.

My way of compensating is that I socialize in short bursts, and then I either retreat into the background on my phone, or I "hold space" and let someone else do all the talking. When I'm doing that, I'm actually reserving my social batteries because I'm overwhelmed and tired (I am listening though!). I also spend a lot of time alone because then I can talk as much as I want and hear my own thoughts without stepping on anyone's toes.

If I talked as much as you do, you would also perceive me as talking over everyone and monopolizing the conversation. Choosing not to do so is strategic and necessary.

We have to consciously navigate everything you're able to intuit naturally. And it is *fucking exhausting* for us to socialize with you people.

Please give us a little grace. Try to be nice to those of us who haven't thrown in the towel on trying to keep up. It isn't personal."

[brightlotusmoon]

Remember! Disability Day Of Mourning is March 1st. In the mid 2010s one of our advocacy groups made a separate list just for autistics. Yes, that's how bad it is.

It's 2018

The Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) was just reformed so that disabled people can’t sue public businesses for discrimination because it would be discrimination against that business.

50% of all US murder victims by police officers are disabled

Bathrooms, entryways, seating, parking, and other public spaces are segregated for disabled people

Disabled children are required to go to segregated schools

Disabled people can't…

Get married without losing their health insurance which is a death sentence

Have savings accounts

Have more than $2000 at any given time

Own or inherent property

Own jewelry worth more than $100 or other items worth more than $500 without reporting them to the government

It is legal for a parent to murder a disabled child if they consider that child an undue burden

This is an extremely short list of things you are leaving out of your social justice

NTABs okay to reblog

[rusanya-does-edits]

"We can't all be neurotypical, Karen" :D

× × × || × × × || × × ×

This was an old meme that used to go around the Autistic community on twitter and we still had it on our phone, lol, so...we decided to share it with ALL neurodivergent people, because goddamn.

[catgirl-catboy]

Honestly, fuck allistics who try to advise autistic people to mask around their friends and family.

I'd rather have them know me and not my work persona, actually. :/

and I'm blunt, have weird interests, and sometimes I say the exact wrong thing in an emotional situation. It's either that or misrepresent myself to the people that should accept and care about me.

[justslowdown]

It seems to me like there's such a fine line to walk on this site when discussing recovery as a mentally ill and/or chronically ill person.

I think we're mostly past the "OK Karen, we can't all be neurotypical" kneejerk response to any mention that our own behavior and environment can impact our internal state. But it goes far beyond that.

I just want to say that for most of us: our minds and bodies can heal and grow in new directions. They may not be what we've been told it needs to look like, but we are capable of change.

For me, personally: I do have a connective tissue disorder and some weird autoimmune stuff, and that does still impact me daily. but some of the symptoms I attributed to it came down to prolonged and severe mental distress.

When things got worse, my circle and what I found on here led me to feeling like maybe it was hopeless--maybe that's just the degenerative, always getting worse, experience of having these disorders. That was not true for me personally.

And I am not sure how to talk about that. I don't think I'd have wanted to hear it when I was allergic to my own sweat, couldn't sleep more than 4-5 hrs a night, and in constant hyperaware pain. It would have felt dismissive of the very real things I was experiencing.

[romcommunist]

the danger of creating a self-care guide for students who definitely use the internet is that there's bound to be one person who will read like "get sleep, do stretches" and will immediately respond "we can't all be neurotypical, KAREN"

[basilibino]

The new anti recovery rhetoric is that "people who make posts about dealing with depression/anxiety are talking about the emotion, not the disorder" and I'm here to say as someone with both disorders that that position is just not true.

Rag on getting your body moving and not holing up in ur room with instant meals all you want, no one can make you do anything for ur mental health that u aren't ready and willing to do, but it's frankly nonsensical to act like managing a depressed or anxious mood wouldnt translate to changing the affects of a mood disorder.

Yeah, I will always be anxious and depressed, but you know what worsens those spirals consistently? Isolation. Holing myself up in my room and not going anywhere. Not reaching out to ppl. Not eating food anywhere but my car or my bedroom.

Flipside--you know what, while never getting rid of my anxiety and depression, helps me function daily and maintain relationships? Getting out of my house. Going to the gym and not talking to a damn soul but moving my body. Talking with my friends and acquaintances even if I'm scared they don't want to, even when that will usually cause an immediate spike in anxiety, bc 99.9% of the time that's my own brain assuming the worst.

And guess what—I still have bad days! I still have days where I bedrot. My executive dysfunction has actually never been worse than rn. Sometimes my social anxiety is so severe that trying to socialize to counteract will only make it worse.

I live with these mood disorders every day, on top of general emotional dysregulation; exercise and eating habits will not make them go away, it's true. But it helps manage the symptoms. Which is what ppl are talking about when they make posts abt helping depression and anxiety. And that's why tweet threads like this

Are just the same "we can't all be neurotypical, Karen" posts as 2014.

Replier isn't ready to consistently move themselves out of bed yet, and that's ok!! It's a hallmark of being depressed for a reason!

But

they themselves acknowledge that when they can get out and move, it does help!

And maybe it's just the "spent 2 years in a group DBT setting for suicidal teens" in me speaking but I think they're also unintentionally identifying the biggest thing that hinders recovery—shame for our bad days; shame for relapses—shame. Sometimes you'll wake up and getting out of bed feels insurmountable. You wanted to get out and hit the sidewalk this morning before it got too hot, or before the rain came in and brought in a week long cold front, and you can't go to the gym bc you can't afford a membership bc you don't have a job, but this morning everything feels so heavy that you just can't bring yourself to do it. Maybe later in the afternoon you feel like you can get up and out, but now you feel like you've ruined the day for yourself bc you can't get that walk in. So you stay in bed. And then maybe the next day you get up and it's better. You're feeling a bit more energetic than the day before, even without the possibility of a walk! ...until you remember that party this afternoon that you weren't too big on going to, but your best friends set it up for a small group of you all to hang out. You still want to see your friends, but you'd offered to make brownies; which wouldn't be too bad, just mix the egg and water to the box powder and shove it in the oven for a bit, except for one thing—you don't have enough time to get presentable *and* make brownies this morning if you want to be on time. heaven knows you can't be late, they'll all be so annoyed, and you definitely can't show up brownie-less. Then you remember that you did have plans for yesterday beyond the walk—you were going to make the brownies the night before so they'd be ready for this! You can't believe you sabotaged yourself this bad yesterday.

Overwhelmed with the stress of not only showering, cleaning your teeth, and finding the cleanest clothes you have, but also with the dilemma of brownies to be made, without even getting into the drive over to your friends' house, and the realization that maybe you wouldn't have been so overwhelmed if you had just gotten out of bed yesterday when you had the energy; the sudden sureness that you are self sabotaging without even realizing it until its too late....

You finally reach out to your friends.

With an apology that you won't be able to make it today after all. You sit on the couch and hate yourself.

That extremely detailed ramble drawing from various instances in my own life? The hypothetical you is being held back, yes by their depressive tendencies, but also by the way their shame feeds right back into it. So ashamed of missing their walk window, that they stay in bed. So ashamed of staying in bed even when they could have mustered the energy to go to the kitchen and remember to bake brownies, that they can't even think about being late or going without brownies, so they stay home. So busy hating themself that they don't recognize that despite it all, they made it out of their room today.

Part of what makes anxiety and depression such hard disorders to manage is that they are your outlook on the world, and when you're drowning in them it feels impossible to stop and ask yourself "why would my friends care more about brownies than getting me out of the house for the first time in a month" (which can feel self-invalidating to ask, or too harsh for social anxiety feels, i fully acknowledge that) or, "why do brownies matter more than seeing my friends"

And we get so used to sitting in our shame, that managing the shame becomes its own step in symptom management that personally I never heard addressed outside of DBT group. But to make lifestyle changes, you need to be consistent. And building consistency is hard, and will never be 100% perfect. But if you want to build consistency, then you have to be in a place where bad days and stumbles and bedrot days can happen, be accepted, and then start the next day determined to try. And that's hard when you're expecting to make a sudden about face into a new lifestyle and then feel better. You'll set goals too high, you'll miss them, you'll restart the shame spiral.

And I get that. I feel like part of "recovery" from mood disorders includes, unfortunately, hitting that rock bottom. Bc you can't start climbing out until you are certain it's the best choice you can make for yourself.

But it still annoys me that ppl are now also going after the "unfortunately that advice is true" ppl, bc now they're not just dismissing the advice, they're invalidating the ppl who are very clearly telegraphic that they are in this chronic struggle with you. Would someone who only experiences occasional episodes of mild depression or anxiety open with the vibes of "unfortunately, that advice we all had crammed down our throats until we were sick of it actually does help"? Or would that be coming from someone who has had to experience the ego death of making a gradual lifestyle change and noticing improvement in their symptoms.

[brightlotusmoon]

*squints at calendar* It's only the middle of Cerebral Palsy Month? Huh. Feels like we just stabbed Julius Caesar yesterday.

Disabled People: "The best way to help us is to accept and understand us. Sometimes we need to be told exactly how to do something that comes natural to other people. Sometimes we need to do things in a different way than most people do. Sometimes we need accommodations that other people don't need. Some social norms make us struggle for no reason and should simply not exist."

Abled People: "Or we could just bully you for being weird until you become normal."

Disabled People: "You could, but that would just traumatize us. Since you're not actually teaching us how to do anything, we'll have to figure it out all on our own. Also, we won't actually learn how to be successful. We'll only learn how to avoid being bullied, which we still won't be able to do 100% of the time, so we'll still struggle and still be bullied."

Abled People: "Yeah, I like my way better."

[stardust-on-the-tardis]

I've been working really hard on my mental health and the quality of my relationships and lately its started getting exponentially better and i'm really happy. It hasn't been easy, and some parts have been really painful, but i'm really proud of how far I've come. I like being happy 😊

[langblr-adventures]

I know this might sound a tad dramatic but as a person with OCD I am in literal tears about the Duolingo Update. I have to repeat fucking BASICS again and it won’t get golden until I’ve repeated “Oui, je suis une fille” for what feels like the 500th time! 

I always have to have all my skills golden before I can move on to learn new stuff. And I mean ALL of them. Now I am having so much anxiety about how long it will take me and how strenuous it will be to get them all to gold.

Not to metion the sensory overload all the damn colors and little crown-thingies are giving me. 

Can’t believe after more than three years of learning with Duolingo I am seriously considering leaving the App. 

[thousandyearphantombunker]

its not coddling to specifically go out of your way to teach a developmentally disabled person a skill they should 'just be able to pick up by watching others unless their r37@rd3d' like wtf is wrong with people who the whole thing with us is that we can't and it isn't because we get coddled into being 'spoiled manchildren/princess-conplex brats' it's because we need to actively be taught the skills that others pick up naturally on and yeah often times it can be, because of us having lower intelligence or poor physical coordination or being over sensitive to certain stimuli- what of it? Why make a big deal out of IQs or our clumsiness or sensory problems being the reason we can't just learn stuff- a lot of us will die and be sick if we are not taught these things-

Developmentally disabled people need people to actually go out of their way to teach them a lot of things. If we are dirty it's because no one taught us how to bathe and 'we were supposed to pick it up as we grew up because we saw our parents do it for us' is a bullshit argument- it's not our faults. It's not coddling to have someone go out of their way to actively teach us something we were supposed to passively pick up on- because we are actively learning a skill- and dear god the bullying you get because your late to all of these skills and it's for no good reason- to them sensory issues/poor motor skills just means your an oversensitive klutz. To them having a learning disability just means your stupid. If it makes you learn a skill late- to these people we are losers.

It's not coddling for us to use tools or actively be taught stuff. It's actually neglectful to not teach us.

Also advocating to neglect someone to make them more independent isn't the argument y'all think it is. Because a lot of neurotypical people get neglected by their parents and I wouldn't argue it made them more independent- they have emotional scars and a lot of them learned maladaptive ways to clean up their house or they struggle because the finer points of hygiene and nutrition are harder to pick up on than people think it is. They also die. Neglect doesn't create someone who is independent. It creates trauma.

Also to anyone who demonizes people who have been coddled- your a fucking idiot. Being coddled is a form of abuse- it's not fun to be coddled and have to rely on others and have your issues trivialized and your negative reactions be equated to that of a 6 years old throwing a tantrum and be told all your concerns are silly. It's not fun to have zero privacy and have no words to describe how awful you feel cause people use baby words around you and don't let you read 'big boy' books or watch 'big kid movies'. It's not fun to have so little faith in your own abilities or to have others have no faith in your abilities- and therefore you are incapable of acting on your own and have to play a passive role in your own life - others getting to make choices for you-It's not fun to not be able to eat for days if your dad leaves on a business trip for a short while and you almost starve to death because you can't take care of yourself and you need someone. It's not fun having no independence and having to rely on your abusers or die on the streets because you never learned about rent or how to cook or how to use a bus to get to a job. It's just another form of neglect- it also sucks to always have everyone assume that because you were coddled as a kid that you're a spoiled bratty Karen and apply all the negative cringe 'okay to bully' autistic traits on to you and act like your abusers where in the 'right'- that it was right to never allow you to hang out with other kids and that it was right of them to be stupidly strict/controlling because you effed up once which apparently proved them right about you.

Stop acting like overprotective strict parents are right- if your daughter does something stupid like running off with a stranger the second you look away then she's not the problem and you weren't doing the right thing by spying on her and never teaching her how to be safe- the reason she was unsafe is because of you. Because you coddled her. Stop justifying the actions of overprotective helicopter parents with 'but the kid is stupid/naive/too sensitive' because I can assure you the reason why the kid is naive is related to the shitty parenting.

Stop acting like being neglectful makes a kid more 'independent' all your doing is traumatizing them. All your breeding is low self confidence and personality disorders and bad coping mechanisms and anxiety disorders. All your doing is allowing them to get sick and eat unhealthy and go to school in weather inappropriate clothing- they have multiple missed vaccinations and yeah they can 'cook' for themselves (unhealthy slop that will leave them with zero energy)

Coddling isn't justified and people who grew up being coddled aren't bad people. They weren't privileged because being coddled isn't a privilege- it's just another form of neglect

Neglect doesn't help children gain skills- it doesn't forced them into learning to care for themselves. It forces them to suffer and hide it with maladaptive coping mechanisms. It causes them to have boundary issues causes them to daydream and unhealthy amount.

'I was abused and had to learn to care for myself because my parents were gonna let me die otherwise and if you can't handle the heat then your just less self sufficient than I am because your parents were too soft on you!' (meaning either your parents didn't traumatize you enough for you to be 'strong' and if they did then i either don't believe you because you didn't turn out like me/it scares me that I could've been like you or believe you just came out wrong and that my trauma made me superior)

Like all this attitude is, is a justification for child abuse

'pick yourself up by your bootstraps' unhealthy ass boomer mentality just applied to it childhood trauma and made it ableist. Neglect doesn't help children get stronger and being coddled isn't the victims fault.

to any parents reading this- if your kid has a developmental disability they will likely actively have to be taught certain skills- you cannot expect them to learn the way you did- you can't expect that they'll analyze and pick up on stuff passively like a neurotypical will- don't helicopter over them don't take over don't expect them to just learn- actually teach your kids how to take care of themselves. Neglect will teach them nothing and neither will coddling them- teach them step by step and actively make sure they understand what's going on- again don't take over or be condescending and don't force help that they don't want but you have to TEACH them and you have to do so ACTIVELY. Make a consistent purposeful effort.

I don’t think people understand how it is to have been behind on EVERY milestone. Learning how to walk? Late. Learning to read? Late. Learning to use the bathroom independently? Late. Every single milestone was late.

And when you have this, people ask questions. People bully you. Why can’t you shower by yourself at 9,10,15,20? Why can’t you brush your teeth independently and frequently? Why can’t you tie your shoes? Why can’t you do math? Why can’t you do this, or that.

And then there’s the people on social media. “Well I was forced to.” “Well I didn’t have a choice” and that’s understandable and completely valid, but there are people that no matter how much you force them, or neglect them so they “figure it out” they won’t “figure it out”. They’ll die. They’ll starve. They’ll not bathe and be dirty.

Higher support needs people don’t just “figure it out” our brains are wired differently. Our brains don’t get that we HAVE to do these things just to survive. So we don’t. And that sucks.

It’s disheartening to constantly hear people say “well i was forced to” because so was I!! I was forced to do things too! I was neglected too! And guess what? I still didn’t do those things. I STILL wasn’t able to meet those milestones.

The big one that I see is “well I’m forced to talk.” And I get that, but me, a person that’s nonverbal, can’t be forced to talk. No matter if I’m neglected, no matter if my device is taken away or I have no way of communication. I still wouldn’t be able to talk. I CANNOT force myself to talk. Get that through your heads. This is my reality, and although yours sucked there are still some people who cannot do things, and saying that they could if they were “forced” is invalidating of them.

[sassywelder9951]

I just realized that it is ADHD awareness month

ADHD isn't just the thing that makes the kids you babysit bounce off the walls, it affects lots of adults like myself. ADHD affects everyone differently but here’s a list of things ADHD adults could be struggling with

Mood swings

Insomnia

Anxiety

Depression

Bipolar Disorder

Irritability

Hypersensitivity to noise, touch, light etc.

Increased risk of substance abuse

Hyperfocus

Forgetfulness 

Impulsivity

Restlessness 

Fatigue 

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Any one of these things can be horrible on their own if the intensity is strong enough, but imagine dealing with half or all of the things on this list and having people label ADHD as the disorder that just kids have or being told you just need to “try harder, ignore the squirrels”. 

[hopethisdoesntawakenanythingnme]

I feel like this has to appear on my blog at least once.

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

requested by @ap-beeology I feel this pretty hard

[serratedskiesmusic]

The point of diagnosing mental illness isn't to completely excuse any negative effects that illness it has. It's to determine what's causing the problem and use that to find a way to overcome it. We DO need to be understanding when a mental illness is the cause of certain behaviors, but forgiving someone without helping them to improve often just makes things worse. 

[antiblackness-archive]

me: it's okay to be optimistic and do things that could make you feel happier, happiness isn't a neurotypical trait

y'all, for some reason: we can't all be neurotypical KAREN some of us are mentally ill REBECCA just say you hate neurodivergents JENNIFER